This is where the interesting part to the story comes. Everybody, and let me name some names here, Joyce, Lisa, Dina, and my aunt Joan have been telling me for years that I should be trying to build a relationship with my mother. Well about four weeks ago she contacted me and said she was willing to go to counseling together to try to bridge the gap that we have between us. Keep in mind it's been 22 years since I've had any daily contact with her.
Today was our third counseling session. She and the counselor asked me to start so I did. I started with the story that I was on a date recently with someone(Little Blonde)and somehow the subject of abortion came up and I had told her that I wished that I had been aborted. My mother then turns to me there in the counselor's office and says, "I wished I would've aborted you."
That knocked me back a few levels. I have always felt like she did not want me, but I've never heard her actually say it. So then I asked her if I had heard her correctly, and she said yes I had but she was just joking. So I said, "Let me say it back to you, 'I wished I would've aborted you. Ha Ha Ha.' That doesn't sound very funny to me." It took me back to my younger years rather rapidly.
I asked her to leave the building. I did not want anyone talking to me that way. I don't think she thought I was serious at first. I stood up and told her to get her ass out of this building. And then I walked her to the door and slammed it. I don't know if that was good or bad, but I'm not going to let anyone talk to me that way.
I walked back into the counselor's office and asked what he thought. He said, "I think you know how to set boundaries for yourself." So all of this about me needing to have a relationship with my mother, I think is crap. My mother has now told me that she wishes she would have aborted me, so do all of you still want me to have a relationship with her?
This all happened within the first 15 minutes of the session. So the counselor and I continued to speak. His exact response was, "I can't believe you're still alive." He said, "You do realize the only way you can make her happy is to kill yourself." Well I wonder if that helps explain any of these suicidal thoughts over the years? I would give $10 million if I could press a magic button and get the hell out of here.
How am I supposed to act, what they call, normal when I've been sent the message my entire life that I shouldn't be here and my mother wished I wasn't here. People say, "Will you just get over it? That was in your childhood." What if your mother told you she wished you were aborted? Could you just 'get over it.' If I can ever find that magic button to get the hell out of here, I'm gone.