Day number two at home (Part 3)

For years people have tried to explain to me the unconditional love that is felt for a child. I was telling my friend today, that for the first time in my life, I finally understand what they meant. However, I think that it's wrong to have a child for the purpose of feeling unconditional love, or to help the parents in some way. Children, however, shouldn't be brought into this world with a job. But Little Blonde said that she wouldn't be alive today if it wasn't for her daughter. I asked her why and she said that she was too wild and too much of a partier but that her daughter was the reason that she stopped that lifestyle. To me, that's like asking the child to take on a job for the parent. The other thing she often said was that her daughter was not, 'an accident'. Interestingly, she also told me that while she was waiting to get married (at the JOP) she told her aunt that she doubted that the marriage would last six months, that the relationship was bad. Therefore, how could their child not have been an accident? In other words why did she have a child with him? It seems selfish to me. She knew that she wasn't going to stay with him and that her daughter wasn't going to have a dad, yet, she purposefully brought a child into this world? How can that not be an accident? I digress. My point of this story is the daughter who said something to me, on the very last night that I was there, that meant so much to me. I had just gotten home and she was calling out my name to come kiss her goodnight and to tuck her in. So I went to her room and she asked me to close her door (which I found strange because she had never asked this of me before). I said, "Sure", and closed it. She then asked me to get very close to her as if she was going to tell me a secret. She said, "Did you know that mommy has a key to your house?" I said, "Yes Sugar. I know she has a key to my house because I gave it to her. I have a key to your house too." She replied, "Will you do something for me?" As I stared back at this beautiful six year girl who was looking up at me so intently, I said, "Of course." She said, "Do you think tomorrow you could make a key to your house for me so that when you and mommy get into a fight, I could still come to visit you?" Talk about breaking my heart. At that point I'd been kicked out twice in two weeks. Kids are very smart and very perceptive and she knew exactly what she was talking about. I said, "Yes, I'd be happy to make a key for you tomorrow. I'll even put it on a special key ring just for you." Little did I know that I would get kicked out for the third time that night. That's what breaks my heart. This beautiful six year old asked me to kiss her and to hug her goodnight and she said she would see me in the morning; she never did. And in my view, she didn't get to because of two stupid adults. Two stupid adults that are spoiled, stubborn, unwilling to get help, unwilling to commit fully and unwilling to do the right thing. It was really easy for me not to be depressed when I woke up every day and thought about what I could do to make that little girl's day better (which is what I did for her during the time that I was there). We had so many great little talks. It's way too disturbing to elaborate upon now, however, as time goes on, I'll share some more stories. I want one thing to be clear, in no way did I love the little girl more than I loved her mother, and in no way did I love the mother more than I did the little girl. They were both extremely special to me. The one difference is that Little Blonde said one of the most hurtful things to me since that thing my mother said to me. Last night she kicked me out and she told me to go home and put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. Well I hate to admit it, but I can't tell you how many times that sounded like a very good idea. I guess that's why I still call her. I would like to know if she just said that out of anger or she really meant it. But you know if I ever do get the guts to really do that I think I'll do it in her front yard, after all, that is what she wants. Please excuse some of this frankness, but I'm still highly disturbed about how this whole thing happened and how she can go on with her life and act like nothing happened. I know for a fact that she's carrying on a perfectly normal life like I was never there. How does someone do that? The only thing I can figure out is she must have found someone else to date faster than I could. I didn't want anything to do with Jessica in Tucson because I'm still in love with Little Blonde. But you know what was interesting in retrospect? The little girl kept calling me Eric. She did it five times before I finally asked her, "Who is Eric?" She said, "It was mommy's other boyfriend." So I can only guess that she must go through them fast if her daughter hasn't even had the time to forget the last one's name. I wonder if she told Eric that she loves him as much as she loves air? I wonder if she told Eric that if anything ever happened she couldn't go on? I'm sorry but I just can't help but wonder those things. If nothing else I would love to take the daughter to Mr. Gaddis, or someplace like that, that she kept asking to go. I would love to see her again and I would hope that she would love to see me again. Who knows, maybe she'd rather see Eric?