I am on the road again, and once again I've checked into my hotel room and there is no one to call and say hey I'm finished at the stadium for today.  Not to say that I haven't been through this feeling many times. But when you get used to someone calling you, and you calling them and them being interested in what you're doing and when you get finished feels kind of comforting, and makes you feel wanted,  makes you feel important, and most of all that someone cares. So instead of just staying in my room I went down and hung out at the front desk. It's late it's past midnight, but I haven't been able to sleep for days. And I told them that I'd broken up with my girlfriend about a week ago. And this was my comment I made to them “ I don't understand how you can be so intimate, tell someone how much you love them, make plans for the future, be asked to move in their house with them, they make space for you and make you feel wanted, opened their life up to you, tell their daughter is okay for her to call you daddy, and you just feel like your one team. And you go from that to where the person will not even take your phone call. Little blonde I told you that I was going to make mistakes, I'm human everyone makes mistakes, big mistakes and little mistakes. But I just don't understand how you can go from loving me if you really did, really deep in your heart . To hating me and I am your worst enemy? I completely do not understand that, and that bothers me intensely. I'll literally have not slept for days, I even called my doctor and asked him if he could give me something because it's like I have a record player playing in my mind over and over and I can't turn it off. I am extremely sorry for what ever and everything that I did to hurt you in any way. But I must go back to I do not understand how you intensely love someone( and maybe you really didn't) to going to absolutely hating them. In fact I can't say that I've ever felt hated in my entire life except from you. Little blonde do you realize impact that you had on me  the last night that you kicked me out of your house, and told me to go home and put a gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger? And this is someone  you were intimate with less than two hours before? I completely do not understand that? And I guess that's why having such a hard time getting over this? I made mistakes. I will continue to make mistakes. Find me someone that doesn't make mistakes ever, and never makes you mad and never pushes your buttons and  I will find you a robot. I can't believe that I am in this situation that I swore I would never let myself get into. Do you remember me telling you if I let you and littlest blonde get into my life that I had two people to loose. Although I have made serious mistakes and I am willing to fully admit them, and fully willing to do whatever it takes to correct them how can you turn me off like a light switch? I'm sorry but I don't get it. And to be completely honest your last statement of " put a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger"  sounds more and more appetizing everyday, because I can't seem to get any of my questions answered? You told me that there were two deal breakers in our relationship. Deal-breaker number one  was any sort of physical abuse, I agreed and I think that is completely fair and none of that happened. Deal-breaker number two was any sort of substance abuse without getting help, I agreed and I think that is completely fair.  Little blonde all I'm asking for is some answers. Please in some way explain to me how you now hate me. And if nothing else someone leave a comment or two and tell me if you think I'm completely out of line. But I think I deserve some sort of explanation because it's literally driving me crazy. Little blonde do you realize the same day you kicked me out  you called your daughter's school and told them I would be coming up there to have lunch with her because she asked me to, and I enjoyed that more than anything else I think of ever done. In my world 2+2 always equals 4. This is not equaling the right number at all. I'm ending this, I am deeply deeply sorry for any pain or miscommunication or any suffering that I might have given to you. But would you please offer me some type of explanation of why you flat out hate me now. And my last thought is to everyone on this blog, is I don't think I would be human if I didn't have these feelings. You can't go from being intensely involved with someone to them hating you to the degree that they want you to kill yourself, and not want some sort of explanation. And for the record I have received none no communication whatsoever.  I'm sorry I've tried to just forget this and let it go away but it just gets worse with time. As I see things I think gosh I wish she could see these things. I saw a pink shirt today and thought that would be perfect for the littlest blonde. I just need some sort of explanation. If you feel the way you feel and I can't change it then I have no choice but to move on, but I do think I deserve some sort of explanation. Put yourself in my shoes, and someone told you to go home and kill yourself, after they've told their daughter but it's okay to call you daddy that is very misconstruing. I know I get obsessed and crazy thoughts but on this one I think I have ever right to be obsessed and have crazy thoughts. I think I'm owed an explanation and some type of closure  to be able to move on. When I say something I mean it. The definition of commitment is doing the thing you said you would do long after the feeling you said in has left you. How feel like that's exactly what's happened here. You said and express certain feelings while everything was peachy and perfect, but when times got tough you do what you've always done your entire life which is run. Well I am the one that's going to ask you to stop running. If you truly want this to be over then give me the closure that I need and I will have learned my lesson not to believe everything people say and move on and you will not hear from me again. But I need closure to do that. So you can either run and hide like you've done your entire life or you can finally confront and deal with some of these issues. Little blonde sleeping with a loaded gun with the safety off  in your nightstand with a six year old in the house is not normal. Ask any body you would like to ask. You told me so many times you're so tired of running line begging you to stop, here is your chance. At the least be a mature adult and close this just as you opened it. Or just keep on running  like you've done with everything in your entire life. You know you told me that one of the things you loved about me is I didn't care that you had any baggage. I still don't care how much baggage you have. I loved you and love you for the person that you are. Remember the commitment I made to you when we were driving on the surprise dinner  trip? Would that commitment stands I don't run just because times get tough. Times are always going get tough. If nothing else please acknowledge that you read this and you are at least thinking about it. Thank you in advance I know you'll do the right thing. I love you and the littlest blonde as much as I did the first day  I said it, good or bad my commitment stands.  Last thing I will say is in the past  I have not asked for help very often but I'm asking for help here. I'm not only posting this on the blog but I'm e-mailing it to her directly. I have e-mailed her directly many times, called and left messages, texted her and gotten absolutely no response. Last response was go home and kill yourself. I think I deserve a little explanation and closure with that.  so the help I'm asking for is if you know little blonde could you please ask her to at least read this.  I'm also going to enclose her e-mail address. Maybe someone out there who write her a note that she will actually read. Or feel free to leave a comment anonymously on this blog and I will forward it to her myself. But I don't think she is reading anything that send her. So as I said before I don't ask for help very often but I need help with this. So will someone out there please step up and help me out thank you in advance.