Journaling - Florida

Those of you that have known me for any length of time know that I've always kept a journal. My friend Jim Rohn  taught me this practice when I was 16 years old. So I got in the habit of always writing down what happened that day. As he said, it's a habit you have to develop to write something down, just a little something every day. He always used to say, “don't trust your memory.” He is so right. I have those journals going back to age 16. It's so fun some time to look back through them and see what I was thinking and feeling at the time.

Well what has happened to me, due to The Compass, which by the way needs to post something so we know you really exist, talked me into doing this blog. Well I didn't realize it at the time but this blog has become my journal. When I first started this blog, I didn't think anybody in the world would read it.

Just a quick side story and I want to share with you. In my office we are using a new program called Daylite. And from time to time, we have to have support for this program. Me and the guy, I'm going to call him Florida, have become pretty good friends over this process. I guess you would make friends if somebody was paying you $100 an hour, too, but anyway he mentioned to me the other day that he was sorry to hear about my breakup. Now keep in mind Florida is completely a support person. I have never met him in person and he is telling me he's sorry about my breakup. I asked him how he knew about that. He said LOW. I asked him how he found out about LOW? He said twitter. So it's so interesting that this little bitty blog has spread literally all over the world. I see my page views and where they come from and it is literally amazing. So my Florida friend says I don't know if I could do what you do and share all of my feelings so publicly. I said what do you mean? Florida said, you don't seem to leave anything out. You tell the whole story. Things that ordinary people I guess would be afraid to tell. Well it really doesn't scare me at all for people to know that I have feelings, and I get happy and I get sad. And I'm not afraid to tell you on this blog what makes me happy and what makes me sad. Someone said one time, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. But it really was surprising to hear my Florida friend talk about LOW when I've never met him. Florida seems like a cool guy though, he has a wife, one child on the ground, and another one coming. I'm always interested in people who are able to make marriage actually work, so I will be monitoring him closely.

So thinking back over the breakups that really still bother me to this day. This was before I gave everyone nicknames, but we'll just call her the girl that lives in Dallas.

Dallas
That breakup did not bother me, in fact we're friends today. We both mutually decided that we were not meant to date each other. She went her way and I went mine. No Mystery

The M-Word
Then we go to the breakup with The M-Word. That breakup really bothered me at the time because I wanted it to work so badly but there was no way to make it work. And we both knew that. It wasn't like she was ever mean or evil to me. It just wouldn't work. No Mystery

LittleOne
Family got the Little One to breakup. Which I still say to this day is the worst thing I have ever been through in my entire life. If Little One is a 99, then Little Blonde is a 98. The only reason that Little One scores higher than Little Blonde is the time factor and the business factor. We were together three years, and she was totally intermingled with my business. And what makes that breakup still so difficult is the mystery. I still don't know if I'm dealing with a mentally ill person, or I'm dealing with someone who likes to play games and hurt people and be evil. Either way it still hurts today immensely. And what I think makes it hurt so immensely is that I don't know why. I still don't know if any of the things we did or said together were real? I hate that. There were no closing comments, no I hate you's or I love you's. Just one day you're together good to spend your whole life with this person and the next day she's gone.

Little Blonde
This one was awful for a couple of reasons. One of the reasons is because of her daughter which I got extremely close to. The biggest reason is, and I can't believe this as I write it, but I actually fell in love with her. See what she didn't know was I had put my guard up and built a huge wall around myself ever since Little One. I'm not listing everyone I've dated here, I'm just listing those that made a difference. And there were two or three people who in fact I dated for a decent length of time between Little One and Little Blonde. But all of them could see this huge wall that I put up. I had decided ever since Little One that no one would break this wall. I was sadly mistaken because Little Blonde did just that. And I'm still trying to figure out how she did this. I mean its not like she has this wonderful history. Her history adds up to using guys and getting rid of them when she's done. She just doesn't have a good track record. Whenever someone tells you that they've cheated on every single person that they have ever dated and her husband except one, you should listen to them. They're telling you something they want you to know. Oh not me. Those of you who know me know exactly what I did when I heard that. I can love her through that, I can fix her, she doesn't have to be that way. Believe me, when someone tells you that they're telling you that for a reason, you need to listen. I wished I would've listened to my own advice.

But back to what makes this breakup so difficult is the mystery. We are together, everything is fine, she has given me her word that she will not leave, and she loves me with all of her heart, and the very next day she's gone. That's the mystery that drives me crazy. How can one human being do that to another human being? I was invested, she'd actually penetrated the wall. And then she can just disappear like nothing ever happened. Someone said one time no matter how flat you make a pancake it always has two sides. This is so true. I'm not making myself out to be an angel in this relationship. In fact, I told her I have made mistakes and I will continue to make mistakes, and so will she. But when we make mistakes, we have to love each other through the mistakes. When something goes wrong you don't turn outside of the relationship. I honestly don't know what it will take to get closure from this except a brief conversation with her so I know where I stand. Is everything she said a lie? Does she love me but it just doesn't work out? I just need some answers that only she can provide.