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No matter how much counseling or reading or going to church you do, some things are just imprinted in my head.
A few years ago I was dating Littleblonde. I remember this as if it were yesterday. We had gotten some food and come to my house. We were sitting on the floor and eating on the coffee table. She was working on some paperwork and her schedule for the next day. We were also watching TV. Somehow the subject of abortion came up. I made an offhanded comment that I wish I had been aborted. I knew right away that this upset her. So I started backing out of that comment rather quickly.
A few weeks later my mother calls me. My mother never calls me. She asked if she could take me to lunch. I accepted. She told me that she felt like she may not have much time left on this earth and wanted to try to mend things between us. I accepted that and she asked what I thought would be the best way to go about that would be.
A little back story here for some of you that don't know. My mother moved out of our house to town when I was in the seventh grade. She also had issues with alcohol. I stayed with her in town a few times. The last time I stayed there she got very intoxicated. To the point that she was abusive. But I was in town and I had no way to get away. I'm in the seventh grade remember. So about 11 or 12 o'clock at night I literally walked a couple of miles to my grandmother's house. I remember ringing the doorbell, what seemed like hundreds of times and throwing some rocks on the windows to wake her up. She did wake up and I spent the night there. Before I went to bed I told myself I would never spend another night with my mother. To me it was real simple.
If I stayed with my dad in the country I could at least get away. I got my first ticket from the sheriff when I was nine years old. In the country I could drive or get in a tractor and get away. So I grew up without my mother. I don't necessarily dislike her, I just feel like I don't even know her. From the seventh grade on I never saw her or talked to her and those are pretty formative years.
Back to the original story. I suggested we see a counselor together. She agreed and asked if I would find one and set it up. That's exactly what I did. The idea was to have a third party moderate. That way if I said something inappropriate or she said something inappropriate the counselor could interject and keep us on track. Week one comes and goes. The counselor would give us little homework assignments. We would go in with our journals and talk about what we had written the previous week. Week two comes and goes.
As a side note, this counselor was very dog friendly. He would always let me bring the girls with me. Week three. I say to my mother she can go first and she says no you can go first. So I start with, "I always felt like I was competing for love from you. I always felt like you thought that dad loved me more than he loved you." I said, "I thought that was stupid because those are supposed to be two completely different kinds of love." I also told her about that abortion comment I made to Littleblonde. Then I said, "I do wish I would have just been aborted and I feel like you feel the same." My mother looks at me and says, "I do wish I would have aborted you." I remember everything just stopping for a second. She was saying something to the counselor when I interrupted and said, "Did you just say you wish you would have aborted me?" She said yes but she was just joking. I said, "Well let me say that out loud myself." So I said it out loud. I said, "I don't think that's very funny," and I looked at the counselor and said, "He's not laughing either and it's now time for you to leave."
She looked at me with a puzzled look. I stood up and in a rather firm voice asked for her to stand up and get the hell out of there. I opened the door to the counselor's office and walked behind her to the front door, opened it for her and told her to get out. I then slammed the door rather loudly. I went back into the counselor's office and my two girls (Mattie & Pacey) were underneath the counselor's desk. I looked at him and said, "What do you think about that?" He said, "Well, I think you sure do know how to take care of yourself." I agreed and said, "That's what I thought I had you for."
I was rather upset, as you can imagine, and I left within minutes. The counselor called and asked for me to come back the next week. Which I did. He stated that he was sorry. He explained that was our third session together and we had been so calm. That comment just totally threw him off guard. He also stated that he had discussed this with several other peers and they all told him that they had heard parents say that before but never in the presence of the child. He stated that he was just so shocked, he didn't react and apologized again. Needless to say, I have not been back to that counselor. I understand where he's coming from, he is also a paid trained professional. So he should have had his guard up at all times in my opinion.
About a year or two later........ Part 4 Coming Soon