My Behavior - Crap - Part 5

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Part 5

My behavior. I have one word for that as well. Crap. I was driving home and I thought she might send a message to the phone that I bought for her because

maybe her family would not let her send a message to me. I saw a folder titled us. I was very down and depressed and I wanted to see something that reminded me of us. I looked in the folder. That was a mistake on so many levels. When I saw what I saw in there it hurt me to my core.

When I get hurt I get mad. When I get mad, I do things I should not do. None of this is an excuse. It is the reason. So MISS I am sorry. And I'm sorry for hurting you in any way. If I ever did talk to you, I have this feeling you would say I never meant to hurt you. Well by not hurting me intentionally, you did hurt me. Plus, how could you not know that just abandoning me in El Paso would not hurt? How could you not know that by not contacting me at all that would not hurt? How could you let your family believe what they believe about me and not know that would hurt? I know I have done certain things that have not helped you convince them that I am a good person.

Ultimately though this relationship is between you and I or at least it should be. I'm not going to say I want you to contact me for closure. You closed it

up on Christmas Day and you consciously made that choice. Even if you thought that was a mistake you should have corrected that mistake long before now. I want the record set straight on a few more things.

1. We had an arrangement for the iPhone. You chose not to honor that arrangement and commitment. Not only have you not honored your arrangement and commitment, you reported the iPhone lost or stolen which makes it useless for me or anyone else. So I can't even sell it to get the money that I have in it. So anytime you want to call and unreport it lost or stolen because it is not lost or stolen, you know exactly where it is.

2. If you feel as though something is happening that is inappropriate or not good or correct, it is your responsibility to take care of that.

3. We both had and have a lot of baggage and a lot of growing up to do. Who in the world doesn't have baggage and some growing up to do. My goal always was/is to find someone that would accept me and my baggage and grow up with me. I would of course do the same for them/you. I can't or wouldn't ask someone to do something I'm not willing to do myself. So I would willingly accept your/their baggage and grow up with them/you as well. The plan would be to grow together.
People always say to forgive for yourself not necessarily for other people. For the longest time I never could forgive because I really did not understand the definition of forgiveness. I just did not know how to do it. A few years ago I heard this as the definition for forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.

I really like that definition. I also hate it at the same time. Forgiving you (MISS) means letting go of the hope that the past can ever be changed. It kind of goes back to me asking you to not do anything that would make this non-repairable. Non-repairable means that trust is broken to such a degree that it could not be regained.
Here's the deal. I grew up in a terrible family environment. You (MISS)  know much more about it then I told here. So I'm not saying................ Part 6 Coming Soon

MISS Knows Which Song's