I Feel Like My Clicker Is Broken???????

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I usually post on Twitter when I can't sleep. I just thought I would do a low post instead. It's only 3:30 AM has I write this.
I am good with people. I can talk to anybody. I am very selective of who I want to talk to though. Like really talk to. I keep a journal. I have every sense I was 16. I use LOW as part of my journal but I also have private journals. It's kind of weird but I really felt comfortable and liked talking to MISS. Now I have gone back to more journaling. The sooner I accept that I  will never be able to talk to her the better off I will be. Even at this point I don't think I could ever trust her enough to want to talk to her like I did before. It's still painful when I think that she told me she would always be there for me. I guess I didn't realize that was so conditional.


I am sort of a all or nothing kind of guy. I either want to be all the way in or all the way out. When I look back on this whole situation I think I could still have her in my life if I had just let her just keep us a secret. That would not work for me at all. There were so many times that she wanted our relationship to go to the next level but I would not allow that unless and until she would be 100% open and honest. I thought her family would actually appreciate her being open and honest. They have showed her that being open and honest gets her nowhere. I want her to know it actually does get you somewhere. It makes you free. Better to be free then be tied in a situation you don't want to be.

At this juncture I am not sure I want her to contact me. It's been about 41 days since I saw her or talked to her. I call those sober days. If I were to hear from her then I would have to start all over detoxing from her. And for what. Nothing, it's not like anything would change.  It's funny I know her so well I know exactly what she would be thinking if she ever read this. She would be filled with excuses. If someone magically gave her $500 she still would not use that to see me. She would say something like what about school, or I shouldn't see you now because I'm protecting you, or I shouldn't see you now because I'm protecting myself, or we got growing up to do, or there are things she's got to work through first, or some other justification as she would call it, I call them excuses. The fact is when you really want something people find a way to get it. She's probably going to school and working and thinking better days will come. I used to tell her all the time better days never come. When you want something you have to grab on with both hands and hold tight. Anything worth having is also worth working for. 
She had her chance. I did everything I knew to do. I told her I would have her back and I would back her up. She told me she knew that I would. She never once asked for help. Maybe she feels like she didn't have the right to. Let me clue you in on something, that is just an excuse. That just means you really didn't want it. I would have never offered to back her up and help her if I didn't really want to. That's what you do in a relationship is you back the other person up because you love them and care about them. Yes I did love her and care about her. In fact I still love her. I totally adored her. If you don't ask for help that's only being selfish in my opinion. I used to tell her that by trying to please everybody she actually pleases nobody especially herself.

One of my friends said to me the other day. MISS wasn't really your type. I do believe you really liked her. Well the friend would be right. Not to sound too cheesy but I knew I liked her from the first moment I saw her. We just clicked. I feel like my clicker is broken.

This is obviously what she wants, based upon her actions. I have no other choice other than to move on. Obviously I did not make her happy or she felt like I could never make her happy. I'm sorry MISS. 

What do I have to do to get some more people to leave some comments? Are you telling me none of you have an opinion? You can post anonymously or you can choose to post with your name. I approve 99.9% of all the comments. Only if they contain cussing or something like that do not approve them. If you look back there have been plenty of comments that are not that nice towards me. And that's fine. I'm asking for your opinion. Of course if you want to leave a comment that is nice towards me that would be super great.