You Say You Have Never Felt Well? - Part 2

I was always setting appointments or telling people I would do things in advance and then the time would come to actually do them and I would feel horrible. I am a strong believer in the word commitment. The definition of commitment is doing the thing you said you would do long after the feeling you said it in has left you. Well, it was getting to the point where I was constantly changing appointments or missing appointments and not doing what I said I would do and that was driving me mentally crazy. I felt like each and every day was just an act. I had to go out and act like everything was okay when it was far from okay.

I shut down my office and retired from public life. Yes, having a blog and a podcast is public. I just mean that I only leave my house about once every 90 days and I make all my appointments on that one day. This way I only have to act a few times a year. It has been a very interesting experience for me. Most people think what I'm doing is terrible and can't believe that I would want to do this. I have to say it's been one of the best things I've ever done. I no longer have to act which has taken away a tremendous amount of stress.
Mrs. Tonne you also asked why I feel as if I've reached the end of my life and you also asked what's going on with me. I believe I just summed up what's going on with me. 

Now for the part that I've reached the end of my life. There is a huge difference between not wanting to live and being suicidal.  That's the very first thing I want to say. I am not suicidal but I also don't want to live. I just feel like I've done everything I wanted to do, met everyone I wanted to meet, and went everywhere I wanted to go. I hate feeling the way I feel. I have researched and gone to traditional physicians and non-traditional interventionists. I have turned to God, I have done everything I know to do. I don't want it to sound as though I just gave up and decided to stay home. I gave up after exhausting each and every last resource I could possibly dream.

Now some questions for you Mrs. Tonne. One: Since my hunch was correct that you were not feeling well way back then, how did you have the energy and dreams to get married and be a mother and a wife? I don't mean that accusatory at all. I am asking because perhaps you found a way to cope that would help me. Question two: Maybe you are not a teacher or a wife any longer? I do not know. But if not, did it have anything to do with how you felt? Question three: I don't care how religious or non-religious you are but can you relate to not being suicidal but not necessarily wanting to live knowing the pain and agony you will have to go through for the remainder of your time here?

I see you have a couple of distinct advantages over me. And as a matter fact, most people have these advantages over me. You have a husband and children. I have never been married and do not have any kids. I do not have any brothers or sisters and I no longer have any family that communicates with me on a regular basis. I do not want pity. I am just stating the facts. I learned a long time ago that if I need pity I will just ask for it. I would love to hear your responses. In fact I would love for you to be a guest on the LOW podcast. All you need is Skype. Would you accept the invitation?