Dear’s Concerns/thoughts

1. Johnny does not think what he does is enough
My thoughts: I can understand and see why he feels that way. I know that I am guilty of telling him often what I don’t like. I have acknowledged that I do that and I have apologized for it. Since then, I have made a conscious effort to tell him more often of the things I like and appreciate. It is not always easy doing that because I feel like Johnny sometimes only hears what he wants to hear no matter how I communicate it. In the end, I do not want him to feel this way. I want him to feel that he is appreciated.

2. Johnny consistently says he wants to die
My thoughts: This one really hurts me and I do not know if it’s due to my sensitivity but it does. The way it translates to me is why are you telling me this? Because if you did want to die that means that you don’t care enough about me to stay. That is how I feel a lot of the time. I understand the reasons of why he wants to die but that does not mean that it also does not hurt my feelings.

3. Johnny wants to decide for me what my consequences are
My thoughts: I think this has to do with his control but I am not entirely sure. What I mean by he wants to decide what my consequences are is that if I have done something wrong then he wants to decide what my consequences are/punishment instead of letting things play and let fate decide what the consequences will be. He feels that in the past I have done a lot of bad things and not had any consequences. I do not agree with him and that is his opinion but he states it as if it were a fact.

4. Johnny does not feel/think that I get what I have done to him
My thoughts: I understand why he feels this way and I am sorry that he does feel this way. I think the reason that he feels this way is because I don’t talk him about the things that happened or how I feel. The reason that I do not do this is because it does not get me anywhere with him. I feel that in order for him to heal, he also needs to be open and receptive to what I have to say otherwise it means that he doesn’t want to listen to what I have to say. In order for something to be understood the person receiving the information has to be receptive.

5. Johnny and I argue over petty information
My thoughts: We both agree that we do this and typically Johnny blames me for being the culprit and I am a lot of the times the culprit. To be honest though, I do not feel like explaining myself does any good because then Johnny says that I am just finding an excuse for something so what is say is moot. I feel that the reason I will say petty things is when we are having an argument and Johnny goes into figures and gets really specific about things and then I just don’t want to cooperate because I don’t agree with his black and white thinking.

My overall statement:

I understand how Johnny is feeling and I feel bad that he does not feel any better. I truly am sorry for the things that I have done and I am sorry that Johnny is not receptive to those feelings. It may be that he is so hurt that at this point in time it is not possible for him to be receptive. If that’s the case so be it. Another reason why I don’t talk to him about the things that I have done is because I am ashamed. I want to talk to him about how I feel but it’s difficult to talk to someone who has said that they don’t care what my feelings are. I have said in this post that in order to heal Johnny has to be receptive to what I have to say and I could be wrong but I truly feel that is something standing in the way. If you are not open to hearing the other person’s point of view or their feelings then I don’t understand how that could also mean you are open to healing your wounds. It’s just very confusing to me because I don’t understand. I want to understand. I just feel like he makes it very difficult for me. At the end of the day, I know what I feel and I am sorry that Johnny does not care what my feelings are. I am sorry that he is still hurting because I do not want him to hurt. I acknowledge that I have made a lot of mistakes and broken a lot of promises.