Homework Part 3

3. If your relationship with Dear begins to move forward, ask yourself, "What would it take for me to trust her?"
I would need for her to be consistent. I would need her to do what she says she's going to do. I would need her to say what she means and means what she says. I would need for her to show me with her actions that she can be honest, open, willing, loving, respectful, kind, caring, and won't run off at the first sign of trouble. I need her to fully understand what she did to me and how it affected me on every level. I need her to demonstrate that she understands and knows what are appropriate boundaries with men. I need her to demonstrate that she understands and knows what the appropriate boundaries are with men in working relationships and friendships. I would need to know that she doesn't need to sleep with some other girl's or wife's husband just to feel good about herself. You feel good about yourself from the inside. By sleeping with some other woman's husband can only make you feel bad not good.


And I would need to know that she actually feels that way and believes that. I would need for her to take hundred percent ownership of everything that she's done. I would need her to confess it to me and her immediate family such as her mother. I need to feel that she owns this. I really need to feel and see some consistency.


As I write this right now it's 3 AM in the morning. I am in the bedroom and she is in the other bedroom. We've had another big fight and I can't even tell you what it was about. She can be consistently sweet, nice, caring, respectful, loving, and kind for about seven days. And then the train just falls off the tracks. But the bigger problem to me, is this has happened more times than I can even count. So whenever we get a seven day run going I don't really get my hopes up because I know it won't be long until it all comes crashing down. A good example of that is I have told dear from the very beginning that I will not raise my voice or yell at her and I don't want her yelling or raising her voice at me. My parents both yelled and raised their voice at me all the time when they were drunk. I learned in Al-Anon that I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior and someone yelling and raising their voice to me is unacceptable behavior.


This is what is so odd about the whole situation. Approximately June 6, 2014, I confronted her about all of the lies. Ever since that day she has not been the same person at all. She never used to raise her voice to me. She was always very accommodating, sweet, kind, caring, she was like the perfect girlfriend. Then I tell her that I know about all her lies and she turned into a monster. Wouldn't you think after all she had done to me that she would be supersweet, super caring, super kind, super respectful, super loving and so on? But no, ever since I told her I knew about the lies, I have been just about the most miserable person on the face of the planet.


I asked her why she raises her voice to me all the time and she tells me it's because she can only listen to me talk to her for about a minute or so and then she is so angry that she forgets not to raise her voice. My question to her was, "If you can only hear me talk for about a minute and you get so angry after all this time, maybe you need to go somewhere else where you don't get so angry?"  It's like she hates me now or something? I know this is really screwed up. I've asked her many times to just treat me the same way she was treating him. I would ask her, "Did you ever yell at him?" She would say, "Oh no, I never yelled at him." So why are you yelling at me? Just treat me the way you treated him. 

I hope that answers your questions. If you or anyone else reading this has any additional questions fill free to ask.