Homework

A couple of weeks ago I decided it was time to start seeing a counselor again. I investigated several options here in town, but being in a small town my options are sort of limited.

I don't know if any of you have heard of this new app called Doctor on Demand? It's really cool. I used it when I had the flu.  I was talking to a doctor within 90 seconds, and she called in a prescription for some Tamiflu.  I was feeling better within 24 hours. All of that for 40 bucks.

They now offer counseling through that website as well. They have an offer for a free session so I took them up on the offer.  I had a good session; but, you really have to click with the counselor.  And I didn't click with that counselor. 

Something about doing it on line really appeals to me. Number one, I feel like I get to pick from some of the top counselors in the country.  I'm not limited to San Angelo, Texas.  Number two, I can do it from wherever I am. If I'm at home or we're traveling on the road, I just login with my iPad or a computer. That is super handy for me since I've been staying at home a lot.  

I found an additional service called Counseling On Demand. They had a free trial as well. I took them up on it and had a session with the lead counselor Matthew.  It was great.  He really reminds me of Dr. Jeffers who I saw from the third grade until I was 20.  Pricing was very competitive.  Once again the ease of being able to do it from home really appeal to me.  You really feel like you're sitting there with him. Well actually you are sitting there with him.  I see him raising his coffee cup; he sees me drinking my hot tea.  I see his dog in the background; he sees my dog in the background.  It's like we're in the same room. I'm on my second session, and so far it's been going great. He's been giving me some homework which is going to force me to write some blog posts for LOW. Everyone wins.  I will get my homework and some blog posts written at the same time.  Here we go. Homework assignment:
1.  You will write Matt a synopsis describing what happened with Dear and how it affected you in your past and in your present.  Ask yourself, "What ways does this loss of trust hold me back in my life?" 
What happened with Dear is I feel like I was violated and I was screwed over in every way imaginable. I was lied to, deceived, and led to believe one thing when really it was another. 
Just some quick examples:
1. She told me she had been tested for all of the STDs and was completely clean. This was not true.  When she found out she had not been tested for all the STDs, she had nothing to say for herself.  She simply threw the results in my lap and walked off.  She did not say, "I'm sorry.  I thought they tested me for everything." "Sorry, I can't imagine how he must be feeling right now."  She just threw the paperwork in my lap and walked out of the room.  She did not have anything. That was not the point. It was the trail of the lies; and, then most of the damage had been done after the lies and how she handled herself afterwards.

2. She was interested in a guy and took him out to eat using my credit card.  She doesn't like it when I call that a date.  But to me, if you are interested in someone and they potentially could be interested in you, when you ask them out to eat and pay for it, to me that's called a date.  Not only did she take him out on a date, but she took him to one of my favorite places.  She knew it was one of my favorite places.

3. At the time that all of this trail and lying is going on, I was having some really tough Health issues. She would get up every day and work out extremely early in the morning. She was at her lowest weight since I've known her. She looked fantastic. She would dress up in some sexy little outfit and supposedly go to school.  Then, she went to her job and to her business that she supposedly started. 

She was very, let's just call it sexed-up, everyday. I like curly hair, especially when she curls it.  She's looks so beautiful. Five days out of seven she would curl her hair and make breakfast for me.  She would kiss me goodbye and tell me that she might be home late because she had to work on her new business.  Keep in mind she wanted to start a new business to help me out with my medical expenses. She said it was very important I start seeing the very best doctors available.  She wanted to help pay for that.  I was stunned and honored. 

I was very supportive of her going to school.  I never finished college, so I really admired that she could do so well in school.  I always supported her in her job because she wanted to help contribute; and, I understand that.  I was also very supportive of her starting her business and helped her quite a bit with that fact.

What she was really doing was not doing so well in school, She was leaving her job early or not going out at all.  She was not working on her new business.  I believe it was Thursday nights, she would tell me that she was having a meeting for her new business and would be home late. I told her no problem, whatever I could do to help.  Later, I found out that she only actually had one of those meetings.  In reality she was just telling me that so she could go hang out with her little boyfriend she had on the side.  

Right there she would just completely disagree, because I used the word boyfriend.  She maintains that she never actually slept with this guy; however, if another month would've gone by, she says she would have slept with him? My questions are:  Do you really believe she never slept with the guy?  Why not just tell me?   Let's just say that she didn't sleep with him.  Does that make it any better that she's hanging out with him, taking him out to eat, and letting me pay for it?  

If I am to be 100% fair, I did not pay for all of the time.  It was just some of the time and, according to her, that is supposed to make me feel better?  She would haul around this guy around because he didn't car.  She would take him to get groceries and pay for them half of the time. She told me there was one time that She took him to H-E-B so they could buy a bunch of snacks and go back to the dorm room to watch movies.  Did I leave this part out? 

The guy that she was after was her best friend's boyfriend.  According to her, she only wanted to sleep with him one time just to see if she could? That would make her feel better about herself knowing that he would choose her over his own girlfriend.  These are Dears words not mine.  I just wanted to see if he would. It would make me feel pretty, attractive, wanted.... So, I asked her when she was planning on telling me.  She could not answer that question. So I asked her if I had not caught you, would you have slept with him and when?   Her response was, "probably in under a month, but only one time just to see if I could." 

Back to Matthews question. 
1.  You will write Matt a synopsis describing what happened with Dear and how it affected you in your past and in your present.  Ask yourself, "What ways does this loss of trust hold me back in my life?" 

Wrapping up on what happened with Dear is she lied about everything. Even the small things that really didn't matter, she lied about. Matthew's next part of his question is how did it affect me in my past and in my present? 

In the past when I first found out it totally devastated me. I felt like someone took my heart out, put it in a blender, and hit purée.  I have never lived with a girlfriend.   She was the first girlfriend I ever felt comfortable enough to live with. She knew everything about me, and I felt like she took advantage of that. The really bad part is I felt like she took advantage of my poor health. She didn't have to worry where I was going to be every day.  I was right at home in my bed. So she would just call  and tell me she was working on a project late or something like that.  And I had no reason to believe otherwise.  

But she knew I was sick. She knew I was not feeling well at all. And she still chose to do all these sorts of things to me.  I will never forget that she offered to go to town to pick up a prescription for me.  She had to go by the doctors office first and get the prescription.  Then she had to take it to the pharmacy and bring it home. And she came home she did not have the prescription? I asked her what happened and she said she forgot it?   I asked, "You forgot it like at the pharmacy? It was taking a long time, so you just we're driving around and forgot it?"

She said, "No, I forgot to even go get it at the doctors office?" That's the whole reason she was going to town.  She confessed later that she would do those kinds of things on purpose so she could go see him, all dressed up.  Keep in mind, then she would have a perfect reason to go see him the next day. I felt raped in a way.

Matthew asked how does it affect my present? It affects me every day, all day, seven days a week, 24 hours a day.  And this is why.  I don't really think she is sorry.  I think she is sorry she got caught. I think she is sorry that she hurt me.  But, I don't think she's really sorry for the behavior.  It's a classic case of she wanted her cake, and she wanted to eat it too. She's the one person who I thought was actually different. 

Matthew writes "Ask yourself, "What ways does this loss of trust hold me back in my life?" 

It holds me back in so many ways I can't count. I don't trust her, I trust very few people. One of the biggest things is, I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust an intimate partner ever again.  After all that happened with the Little One, and I told Dear all about that, she assured me she would never do those things to me. The loss of trust holds me back from life.  To be honest, I don't really want to live.  I am not suicidal; I just don't want to live.  I believe there's a difference.  

Another way it holds me back in my life is I've always worked best with a partner. I thought she was my partner. So, as my health improves a little bit every day, I want to do something again.  I want to start a business of some kind again. But I need a partner now more than ever because of my health issues. I need someone I can count on 110%.  I wanted this so badly to be her.  In the process of building trust back with her, it also holds me back in my life from finding a potential partner that I could trust.  I never will give somebody the kind of chance that I gave her. Never ever ever again.  In a weird sort of way I will end my answer by writing that I think she stoled my life from me. I've had this done to me only one other time to this degree.  I know people always say you could get over this, and that's probably true.  But here's the big difference, I don't want to.
PART 2 SOON…..