She did record the sessions starting from the very first one but I never listened to them. I wanted to believe that she was telling the truth and it just seemed wrong for me to listen to them but I appreciated that she was willing to show true transparency. A few months goes by and our relationship just continues to go downhill big time. To the point that one day she gathers up her things and moved out. When I was cleaning out some of her stuff, I ran across those tapes and I must admit I was curious so I started listening to them. Let me tell you from day one she was not being honest with this counselor. And another very important point, Dear said she was going to counseling for herself to work on issues within herself not to work on issues with us. If she was going to work on issues with us I would need to be there wouldn't you think? At the time I believed her, that she wanted to work through some issues within herself.
As I listened to more of the recordings, I heard more and more of the counselor's advice which now I could look back on our relationship and understand why Dear was doing some of the things she was doing because the counselor was telling her to but the counselor was telling her these things based on false information. Dear was not going in there talking about and working on her internal issues, she was going in there and talking about issues with me. She may call them internal issues. When I think of working on internal issues with a professional I think about talking about my feelings, of not feeling good enough that my dad never got sober. Things like that. Not that Dear is treating me this way and I don't know why. That is a relationship issue. Before Dear moved, I asked her to stop seeing the counselor but she absolutely refused. It was like this counselor had some type of hold on her.
Now back to present-day. She has been going to see Neil to work on internal issues is what I'm told and then we've been seeing Matthew together as our couples counselor. In theory that should work, the problem is I have a very strong feeling that Dear is not going and talking with Neil only about her issues. I have a strong feeling that she's going and and talking with Neil about issues with us. I flat out asked her if she was doing that and she said, "No not at all. We barely even bring you up. We just talk about things that happened in my childhood and other things that have nothing to do with you." The more and more she sees Neil the worse and worse our relationship has gotten. I asked her if she agreed with this and she said yes. So I said, "Well, why would you want to keep going to somebody that we both agree the more you go the worse our relationship gets?" Her response was "I know our relationship is getting worse but I personally feel better." My response was, "I'm glad you're feeling better but can't you see that if things don't change we probably won't be together?"
I expressed again how much I would like to be involved so I would know better how to help her cope with her issues. She did not like that idea at all. This is when I knew we were really in trouble. One month in to her seeing Neil Snipes, I asked Dear, "If I asked you to make a choice between Neil or me, which one would you choose?" I said, "I'm not asking you to do that but I'm just asking to see what would you say? Keep in mind you've known Neil for a month and you've known me for three years. I've taken you back and given you more chances than I can count." Dear didn't even blinkand she said, "I would choose Neil." I think all of you reading this would agree that that's not healthy to have such strong feelings for your older male therapist. I think that Neil Snipes would agree that that's not healthy to be willing to throw away a three-year relationship for someone she's known for a month.
Now let's have another little history refresh.
Dear has a thing about having sex with older married men. And I mean much older like all the way into their 60s. Neil is probably in his 50s or 60s. In the past, these married men have had children and families and she says that doesn't bother her at all. In fact it makes it even better! I said, "What do you mean by better?" She said that it makes her feel powerful to know that these married men would choose her over their wives over and over again. And make no mistake, these relationships haven't been where the guy is saying to Dear, I love you so much and I'm going to leave my wife so I can be with you. The last one that was just three months ago flat out told her that he had no intentions on leaving his wife and family and therefore there was no future for them. Dear was unaffected by that because she says it's not like she wants a relationship with them she just wants to feel powerful and confident and pretty.
Okay back to present-day.
Have any of you ever seen a therapist or counselor? If so, did they allow you to text, email and call them outside of your appointments? I have seen a counselor since I was in the third grade, and in all that time the only time it was ever acceptable to contact them outside of our appointment was in a case of emergency. Let me give you a true example. I was in elementary school when my dad tried to kill my mother, I called my counselor at home. That's what I'm talking about. Well, Neil and Dear have a much different relationship. One, he doesn't even charge her his normal rate so he can be more accessible to her. Two, they text back and forth? Let me give you just a few examples.
Dear to Neil: I need help please. Johnny has been upset with me since Monday and I'm reaching the point where my patience is running out and I am reacting to him as more time goes by. I'm just so frustrated. I don't know what to do.
That text to Neil was sent after 6 PM and it got no response so she followed it up with this.
Dear to Neil: I feel like him acting this way he is pushing me more into my depression.
Okay, I thought that her and Neil weren't talking about me at all? No matter how flat you make a pancake it always has two sides. How unfair would it be for me to see a counselor and him only get my side of the story? That's why in couples counseling both people should go. I've been begging to go and she will not allow me. And just so we're clear she did allow me to go one time for about half of the session and that's it.
What was Neil’s response to those desperate texts, you ask?
Neil to Dear: You are stuck in between fear of being alone and wanting to escape the conflict pattern between you two. My experience is that this pattern is very difficult to change and can reach a point of no repair. You each trigger in the other exactly what you don't want as you each try to cope with your fears. Ask yourself if the premise of the relationship is valid? If not what are the primary differences? Can you manage your side of them and endure his reactions?
Now speaking of Gina who left the comment, what person could read those texts objectively and not see that he is clearly not on my side? He is clearly not rooting for us. I didn't hear him say is Johnny willing to come and maybe I could work with you together? Dear is very suggestible. I think any person can read that objectively and see that an older male counselor is suggesting things to her that maybe our relationship is not repairable.
I want to take just a second here and say to all of you to go and listen to the LOW counseling podcast. That is where Dear and I and Matthew are supposed to be working on our relationship. Listen to those podcasts and see if you hear Matthew say anything like that. I always hear Matthew giving us homework of things we could do to build each other up, I hear Matthew saying I know y'all can do this I believe in you two. Matthew is always suggesting to us how we could make things better. It seems like to me that Neil is always suggesting to her that it's not even repairable and don't even put any time or energy into it.
Dear told me that she did ask Neil about me coming in....Part 4 Soon