Unhappy Holidays Again - Part 6

Back to last night's text. I haven't heard from her but I thought I didn't care, I wanted to let her know how I feel. I'm only in charge of me not her. This is the text I sent last night.

Dear, would you get in a quiet location and we will think about what I'm about to say. I love you very much. The only reason we are in this situation is because you were proving that you weren't good enough for me. I have always said that that should be my decision. First of all you are good enough for me. You're more than good enough. Remember when you first came back this time, things were going really well for the first few weeks? I said to you, "Dear, journal this, write this down because inevitably you get in a bad spot and then it spirals out of control." You said that you feel like you are not lovable, if you just disappeared no one would come to look for you, you're not important to anyone, you're not pretty. Just look at what you've done over the past few weeks you've put yourself in a situation where all those things seem true. The only person that tells you different is someone that you pay. I want you to know that I do love you. I know that you are beautiful and special. I miss so much hugging you and kissing you. There are 27 days till Christmas. This would be our third Christmas together. I've always told you that you have to look at people's motivations. How long would Neil stick around if you stopped paying him? Who do you have in your life or who have you had in your life that would stick around if you stopped giving them what they wanted. In other words, if you stopped having sex with those other guys would they have stuck around? After everything you've done to you and to me and to our family I have always been here for you. If you can't see that and feel that legitimately, you need not even answer my text. Seriously. Nevertheless I want you to know I love you - Wilde

That is the text I sent to her other than I fixed a few grammatical errors.

This is what she sent back to me,

Yes, I do feel all things you're saying and yes I did journal about it. I am very very upset and you didn't even give me a chance to talk to you so I am very very upset. I am tired of consistently blaming Neil. He's not the problem. We are the ones making it hard on each other. I love you very much for always being there for me in the past but after the first few weeks that I came back I feel like you completely abandoned me emotionally. REALLY think about what I AM saying. You asked me who has stuck around after I stopped giving them what they wanted - well no one and you have now done that to me. I wasn't doing what YOU wanted me to do and so you said that it would be better for me to move out. 

I love you very much and I am also very hurt but you can't see that because you're busy blaming Neil or consumed in your own hurt. 

I miss you so much also. I just wish things were going better. 

Your actions have not shown me that you love me in the last couple of weeks. It's almost freezing outside and I have none of my winter clothes because you won't allow me to come get any of it. I'm sorry I just don't understand how that's loving. 

There is nothing I want more in this world than for you to love me the way you used to without depending on me. I love you so much. 

I emotionally CAN NOT go through these ups and downs with you ignoring me and not talking to me for days. I told you this from the beginning. 

If these ups and downs continue I will never recover fully emotionally and I want to so badly for me so that I can love you even more. 

You won't even answer my calls so that we could talk about it. 

I wanted to have Thanksgiving with you so badly. You just ignored me like I didn't exist like I'm no one to you. 

That's not love. 

I told you I really really needed you and your actions was for me to move out. 

Here is what I texted back

You say Neil's not the problem and that's great and that’s such an easy thing to figure out. You take him out of the equation for a month. Then do a plan and do a review. Time will either promote him or expose him. Super easy to figure out if he's part of the problem. If I can read English which I believe based on the text you just sent me you do not believe that I love you. 

1. 'You completely abandoned me emotionally" 2."your actions have not shown me that you love me in the last couple of weeks." 3. 'I just ignore you like you don't even exist, like if you're nothing to me" 4. 'That's not love" Do you now understand why I wanted you to move out? Do you now understand why I ignore you? Do you now understand why I don't answer your calls? If you legitimately don't understand why then here's the reason.

This is the text I sent you

Dear would you get in a quiet location and we will think about what I'm about to say. I love you very much. The only reason we are in this situation is because you were proving that you weren't good enough for me. I have always said that that should be my decision. First of all you are good enough for me. You're more than good enough. Remember when you first came back this time things were going really well for the first few weeks? I said to you, "Dear, journal this. Write this down because inevitably you get in a bad spot and then it spirals out of control. You said that you feel like you are not lovable, if you just disappeared no one would come to look for you, you're not important to anyone, you're not pretty. Just look at what you've done over the past few weeks. You've put yourself in a situation where all those things seem true. The only person that tells you different is someone that you pay. I want you to know that I do love you. I know that you are beautiful and special. I miss so much hugging you and kissing you. There are 27 days till Christmas. This would be our third Christmas together. I've always told you that you have to look at people's motivations. How long would Neil stick around if you stopped paying him? Who do you have in your life or who have you had in your life that would stick around if you stopped giving them what they wanted. In other words what I'm saying is if you stopped having sex with those other guys would they have stuck around? After everything you've done to you and to me and to our family I have always been here for you. If you can't see that and feel that legitimately you need not even answer my text. Seriously. Nevertheless I want you to know I love you - Wilde

How many times in that text am I telling you what you're not doing? How many times in that text am I telling you that you're not enough? Each and every time I text you or attempt to talk to you, you come back with all of the things I’m not doing and/or all the things you don't like about me. So therefore out of love it's better for you if I just disappear. I know in there is my Dear. In there somewhere you will see what's going on. I love you very much. I'm sorry I upset you again tonight.

No text, no call, no nothing since that communication last night. What confuses the hell out of me is when she says things like I wanted to have Thanksgiving with you so badly. The thing is I know her very well. And when she wants something so badly she gets it. It's not like she showed up on Thanksgiving and I called the sheriff and had her removed or something! She made no attempt what so ever to make that happen. And what I mean by that is look it all she did to get with that guy from Chili’s. I wish she would just put half of the effort into making me happy as she did in making those random guys happy. There are so many things that I can't say on this blog because they're X rated that I know she did for these guys to make them happy. And the reason I know is because she told me. One thing in particular she told me she did it because she knew it would hurt me more than anything else. Well, there's one part of that that's not true. It would not hurt me if she wouldn't of told me. If she wouldn't have come back under false pretenses I would've never known.  But we can't go back and change the past. But what we can do if I felt like she wanted me just half as much as she wanted those guys, I would feel so empowered and so pursued, loved, and attractive.

The Friday after Thanksgiving she texted me to ask if she could come pick up the rest of her things so I wouldn't have to spend the money mailing. I texted back and said, "Funny. I didn't know we were broken up?" She texted back, "You completely ignored me for more than a week." Somebody tell me what I'm missing please. Just a few days before she left she wrote me a very sweet note. Here is part of it. I want you to know that I love you. I hope that you will believe I do care about you so very much and I love you very much. I know that I want you and need you very much. I love you with all of my heart and I am sorry I don't do a good job of showing it.

Could someone please explain.....Part 7 Soon