Unhappy Holidays Again - Part 7

Could someone please explain this to me. Let's just say that what she said is true, I ignored her for more than a week. Let's just say that's 100% true. Tell me how you could have such strong feelings in the note and then I ignore you for more than a week and it's over, she's done with me. I guess that someone could write a note like that and then if she found out that I had been cheating on her then it would be over real fast, I get that. What I don't get is she didn't honor her commitments for those eight weeks. I asked her to contribute financially to our household and she chose to financially contribute to a different household. She's calling my dad and riding around all over town with him which she promised me she wouldn't do. Yet in her view, I ignored her for a week and because of that we're finished? Someone please explain that to me.

What Johnny wants

  1. I want to feel like she's sorry for stealing money from me and taking other guys out on a date with my money.
  2. I want to feel pursued. I want her to literally do the same things and more things that she was doing for those nine months when she was trying to seduce and sleep with her best friend's boyfriend.
  3. I want her to be honest with me.
  4. I want her to trust me and to submit to me.
  5. I want her to love me, I want her to be in love with me, I want her to want to make love to me.
  6. I want her to put me number one.
  7. I want her to be consistent.
  8. I want her to show me that she can say something and then no matter what happens she still means what she says.
  9. I want her to want me.

I know those things make me sound so pitiful. It makes me so sad that I have to want her to want me. I keep telling her we keep putting more problems on top of the problems we have. What we were supposed to be doing is working on the problems we had and removing those problems from the middle so we would get closer together.

I never thought I would say this but I would give anything to go back to that day in June when I found out she was cheating on me and pursuing her best friend's boyfriend. All of that makes what she's done since then look like nothing. Have I been perfect, no. Have I done better, yes. Have I slept with anyone else other than her since I've known her, no I have not. Nor have I wanted to. And yes I think that should count for something. After she cheated on me and stole from me, did I drive four hours to go get her to offer her another chance when she said she didn't even want another chance, yes I did that and yes I think that should count for something. Did she cheat on me for months in the beginning, yes. On the very first night we spent together did she get out of bed real early to go have breakfast with another guy, yes she did. At every possible turn have a offered her another chance,yes I have and I think that should count for something. Has she had sex with another man while we were in a committed relationship, yes.  Did she have safe sex, no. Did she tell me about it, no.

Is it fair that she could've given me some horrible disease, no. Have I given her another chance after that, yes and I think that should count for something.  Why is it so bad for me to want her to love me, for her to want to be kind to me, for her to want to please me? Why is that so bad? Why is it so complicated? When you make a mistake you admit your mistake you take an immediate actions to correct it and you move on. That's not that hard. Except she keeps making mistakes and she keeps not admitting them and she keeps not taking immediate action to correct them. Am I that horrible of a person that she just wants to keep hurting me? I have honestly thought that for quite sometime.

When she has talked to me about this power she feels by getting a married man to choose her over his family she just lights up and you can tell she's so satisfied. And what's so sad and scary is she will talk to me about it and she can see the pain in my eyes and she knows how much she's hurting me but I think I see some sense of satisfaction sometimes when she's doing that.

She knows that the absolute worst thing she can do is to leave me. Even if I get up in the middle of my night and I'm upset and I go to the other room she used to come in there and ask me what's wrong. Talk to me. She promised she would never abandoned me again and she abandoned me for $575. It's not like there's a choice if she has to pay that. She has to pay to live somewhere, so why not put those finances in our own family instead of some rent house with three other people? She left me again. And the only thing worse than that is what she's done since she's been gone.

I want so badly to make her happy. I want to give her anything and everything she's ever dreamed of. I want to protect her. I want to have fun with her. I want her to be my best friend again and my lover again. And as Gina said in the comment, if I look at it objectively it hurts me so badly to know that she doesn't want any of those things. We wouldn't be three years into it and she's still lying to me. She doesn't want me. I can look at it objectively and no she doesn't want me, she's not attracted to me, and I'm not enough for her. And no matter what I ever do I cannot fulfill her or make her happy and that makes me sad.