Why Am I Not Good Enough? Part 3

To be clear, these are all things that she told me herself. That little break she had from me she was sleeping with a married man from the printing shop, she was sleeping with the guy she worked with at Chili's, and yes there is one more. The third guy she met in a grocery store parking lot. They exchanged numbers and met up a few days later. She told me that this was the first time in her life that she was having so much sex with so many different random people at the same time. And she wasn't having safe sex. She told me it usually was just one guy until she felt like she had a total power and control over him, and then she would move onto the next one. But this time she was mixing them all up.

I know a lot of you are wondering why I kept taking her back? That is a fair question. Because I really did and still do love her.  Because I saw something special in her. One of the big reasons was because I didn't want her to do something so bad that it wasn't fixable. She's so lucky that one of these guys hasn't taken her off somewhere and beaten her up or killed her. She's so lucky that at this point she doesn't have any diseases or kids. And at this point she doesn't have any major legal problems and she also doesn't have a mountain of debt. I felt like I needed to rescue her and keep her safe. I felt like that's what you do when you love someone.

It's still hard for me to believe and it makes me so incredibly sad that she thinks so little of herself to act in a manner that's so unbecoming. Girls like that are not the kind of girls that you typically settle down with and take home to meet your family. It also frustrates me so much because she has seen her two older sisters and what a disaster their lives are. Her oldest sister has no education, two kids by two different guys and is working on a third. The next younger sister lives with a convicted drug dealer, also has no education and is a big time drug dealer. I want Dear to see that she's not that far off from being like them if not worse. That's where it goes back to having a conscience and wanting to do the right thing.

One of the times we broke up Dear went and spent a week with her sister. Since the sister's boyfriend is on probation they asked Dear to help out with some of the drug deals they had going on and Dear happily did it.

Anyway I know I'm going on and on and I'm sorry. It just makes me so sad that I think more of Dear than she thinks of herself.  I remember when I first met her. I asked her why she chose to move so far away from home. She said she wanted to get away to make sure she did not end up like her family. She wanted to make something of herself. I was so proud of her.

Dear told me when she moved back in with me that she didn't want to have random sex with guys that she knew were just using her because it felt like every time she did she was giving away a little part of herself. I was so proud of her. Optimism is always talked about as if it's a good thing to be optimistic. Sometimes I think though that my optimism causes me a lot of pain. I remember people telling me literally years ago when Dear spent nine months pursuing her best friend's boyfriend behind my back. When I called her on it she wasn't sorry, she was sorry that she got caught. People would tell me to cut my losses and move on. People would tell me people like her don't change. I heard all kinds of things, I just didn't want to believe them. I didn't want to believe that this beautiful, intelligent, funny, amazing young woman was just going to be like that for the rest of her life. I literally remember thinking.... Part 4 Soon