Homework assignment for March 27, 2015 Part 4

5. Doesn't have any friends and doesn't have anyone to talk to. -  What Dear said

What I think she meant ­ she doesn't have anyone to talk to and lie to. Before, all of her so­ called friends were not really friends. She admitted to me that she always molded herself to be exactly what she thought that particular person wanted her to be. Now that she is doing her best not to lie and just be herself that is so foreign to her that she doesn't have anyone to talk to.

My response ­- Immediately when she said that to Matthew, the first thing I thought of was, what about me? She used to call me her best friend. The next thing I thought of is when you're trying to sleep with your best friend's boyfriend, which she has admitted to me that she was, I think it would be pretty hard to keep and maintain friendships. Also she has told me ever since I have known her that she doesn't have many friends and she doesn't have anyone to talk to. She has told me that for years. That's nothing new. But the way she says it makes it sound like it is my fault.. This seems to me to be a totally misleading statement. 

 Dear's Reponse - 5a. Again, I don’t go around lying to every single person I meet. That is a huge misconception that Johnny has. I did admit to Johnny that I do mold myself to be what others expect me to be. Again, I do not do this with everyone. Yes, I have done it in the past and I am very capable of doing that with anyone I meet but that does not mean that I actually do it. I don’t agree that it is because I am not lying and just being myself that I don’t have anyone to talk. I think it is more that I don’t interact with society very much that I don’t make any friends. I did used to call Johnny my best friend. Things and circumstances have changed and the way Johnny and I treat each other has changed. Also, he has said that he doesn’t care about my feelings. That makes it kind of hard to talk to your best friend when they don’t care. It was not my intention for this subject to be misleading and I am sorry. I am not blaming Johnny as the cause for me not having anyone to talk to. I know that it is due to my actions and consequences that I am in the situation that I am in. However, I still have feelings and thoughts. I did tell Johnny that I was trying to sleep with my best friend’s boyfriend because at the time that is what I thought. What I didn’t tell Johnny is that I was still trying to figure out reasons for why I did a lot of things. Shortly after I made that comment, I told him that it was more about knowing that I could sleep with him and when I told him he was actually calm. Now, though, he acts as if I am lying. I know better than anyone what I was thinking and feeling and my reasons for doing things so for him to tell me that I am not being honest is not fair because he is not inside my head. 

6. If she doesn't answer when I called, she called me right back. ­ What Dear said

What I think she meant: ­ When she doesn't answer, she calls me right back like she used to. I think she wants or thinks she deserves some sort of credit for actually calling me back when she misses one of my calls?
My response -­ I must say that she is very good at leaving out key parts of the story that would be very pertinent to some of the things she says. When she was cheating on me, she told me she would put her phone on silent and then when I would call she would wait for it to go to voicemail and then she would go out in the hallway away from the guy she was with to call me back. After a number of times of this happening I finally asked her why she never answers her phone anymore? She told me that she was putting her phone on silent when she went to class and she had just forgotten to take it off of silent. I could understand that could happen very easily. The problem is the semester before when she wasn't cheating on me, she would put her phone on silent when she was in class and then 95% of the time she would remember to take it off of silent because she would always answer when I called. However, when she started cheating on me 95% of the time she would not answer. I remember saying to her, how can you not ever remember to take your phone off of silent? I just don't understand? She would just give me the same excuse. And she would tell me she would do better. When I confronted her about cheating on me that's when she told me why she never answered her phone. I think it's very odd that she mentioned that when she doesn't answer, she calls me right back? Is that supposed to make me feel better? Is that supposed to build trust or something? I guess I'm totally missing the point of why she is saying that.

 Dear's Reponce - 6a. I said this because I feel Johnny forgets that the things that I do to try to make things up to me. I don’t want credit. I just want Johnny to realize that I am doing a lot of the things he asked me to do.

 7. Let me know where she was most of the time. ­ What Dear said

What I think she meant ­- Almost all of the time, she lets me know where she is.

My response ­- Back in September 2014, when I offered to give her another chance, (by the way that she did not ask for), I told her in order to build trust she better be where she says she's going to be 100% of the time.
Before, she would tell me she was going to school early, or staying at school late to work on a big project. So I thought she was at school. I found out that I was wrong. She was really with another guy. Again I'm not sure why she's bringing that up. In fact it kind of angers me that she only lets me know where she is MOST of the time! I thought our agreement was she would let me know where she is 100% of the time until trust was rebuilt. Again, I did not do any of these things to her, she did them to herself by her actions. Let's see if she defends or concedes to this behavior? 

Dear's Response - 7a. I said most of the time because I had a feeling that Johnny would refute if I said all the time. I believe that I do let him know where I am 100% of the time. If I have not been doing that then this is the first I am hearing of it. I do agree that I am in this situation because of what I did. I do not negate that. Again, I only said it to prove that I am doing a lot of the things Johnny asked me to do. 

8. Feels controlled 90% of the time. ­- What Dear said

 

What I think she meant ­- What I really think she means by this is that now that she has to be accountable and she cannot lie and manipulate every situation, she feels like she is out of control and someone else is in control.
My response ­- I have told her from day one that I have a controlling personality and I would confess to it right upfront. And if she had a problem with that she probably should move on. Also, within just a few months of our relationship becoming serious she wanted to try out being totally submissive and me being totally dominant. To the degree that she typed up a contract for us both to sign and agreed that I would be totally dominating and she would be totally submissive. As time moved along, she told me she liked that. She told me she liked for a guy to be in charge. She told me she found it attractive and sexy. The only thing I can think of is that she told me that she is only really given me about 10% effort on making this relationship better since September 2014, maybe that's why she feels controlled 90% of the time? I have no idea? 

 8a. Just a reminder that what I said is a feeling, not fact. I do not think that I am out of control and I don’t manipulate every situation. Johnny did tell me that he had a controlling personality at the beginning and I was fine with that. However, it is one thing having an idea and another actually living it. At this moment, I am more ok with it because I understand a little more as to why he is controlling. I did tell Johnny that I felt like I have only given this relationship 10% because the things that I try or do do not get me anywhere. 

1. Not going to school and not getting a job

2. Goes to my doctors appointment with me and that takes a lot out of her.

3. Cleans the house and cooks.

4. She's not the same person she was when she first met me.

5. Doesn't have any friends and doesn't have anyone to talk to.

6. If she doesn't answer when I called she called me right back.

7. Let me know where she has most of the time.

 

8. Feels controlled 90% of the time.

When I look at these all together, I can't help but think that these are all about her. I thought I was the one that was cheated on. I thought I was the one that was manipulated for months? I thought she stole money from me to buy dinner for another guy. She told me that she would do WHATEVER it takes to make it up to me. She also told me that she would spend the rest of her life if that's what it took to make it up to me. Again, as I look over these 8 items they don't really seem like things someone would say that totally broke my heart. I feel like she took my heart out and put it in a blender and hit purée. Then she wants to talk about things like cleaning the house? These eight items just don't look like things that someone would say that was genuinely sorry for cheating on someone. She would do things like tell me she was going to town to go pick up a prescription for me and then take it to the pharmacy to be filled and bring it home. She would then come home without any medication. I would ask her what happened? Her response was oh I forgot. Wasn’t that the whole reason you went to town? Later on she told me she would do things like this on purpose so she could go see other people that day and have a built in excuse to go back and see them again the next day. I will ask you, do these 8 things seems like they are coming from someone who was genuinely sorry and genuinely has empathy and genuinely wants to make this up to me? To me, they seem like they're coming from someone that's worried about them and only them. But even if I'm wrong on that they still don't seem like they're coming from someone that really gets what they did to me or for that matter cares what they did to me. I trusted her like I have never trusted anyone else before. I have never ever lived with any girlfriend, and that's on purpose. I was afraid of feeling so vulnerable and letting someone in that close to me. I let Dear in and I was more vulnerable with her than I have ever been in my entire life. And this is what I get in return? After all this time, keep in mind, I confronted her with her lies in June 2014, she wants to talk about things like she doesn't have any friends and doesn't have anyone to talk to? I don't get it!

After we broke up the first time she wrote me a letter. This is verbatim out of that letter "All I've ever wanted was someone like you. Now I've lost you. I love you and really need you. I thought we needed each other. I could have been wrong. I know that I need you. I love you with all my heart and I'm not ever going to stop."

 

????? Wilde

Closing comments by Dear:

 

I mean what I said. I won’t ever stop loving Johnny. I used to write Johnny a lot of letters but I don’t anymore for the very reason that he might post them on the blog. I feel those letters are very personal and I wrote them for him, not the rest of the world. Yes, all the things Johnny wrote down are about me because when he wrote down all these things I was talking about myself. It has gotten to the point where if I even talk about what I thinking or feeling he asks “I thought I was the one that was cheated on?” Therefore, I tread very carefully about how and what I say. Somehow I consistently find a way to say things to wrong and Johnny just does not understand what I am saying. I think part of that is because he really just does not want to hear what I have to say and I understand that. Yet, in order to get closer again we both have to be willing to listen to each other. At least that is what I think. I know that Johnny is deeply hurt so everything is really magnified for him. He also really takes things to heart. It is just incredible to me how Johnny did not get any of the things I was saying. At the end of the day, I want him to heal, to feel better physically and emotionally. I feel like he forgets that I am a human being with feelings and emotions because he is so wrapped up in his own feelings. I am at a loss because I don’t know what to do, act, or say anymore especially since all this is going on the blog. It is very difficult for me to really express how I truly feel because this is going on the blog and the people that read the blog only get Johnny’s side of things so of course everyone thinks that I am a horrible person and that I emotionally abusive Johnny. Everything about this situation is painful. I feel horrible about the things that I did and I am truly sorry. If I do a horrible job of showing it I am sorry for that too. I do care about Johnny and want him to be happy. I want him to enjoy things. I want him to enjoy life because I love him.