Homework assignment for March 27, 2015 Part 3

3. Cleans the house and cooks. ­ What Dear said

What I think she meant -­ She deserves some sort of Medal or credit so to speak for cleaning the house and cooking most of the time. It also seems to me she thinks that cleaning the house and cooking will make up for her lying and cheating and stealing from me.

My response -­ when we first moved in together, I told her in no uncertain terms that I do not expect her to cook or to clean the house. She said she likes to cook. So if she wants to cook, I like to eat, so that would work out great. But by no means have I ever asked her or expected her to cook regularly. I have however told her how much I appreciate it when she does cook and how good of a cook she is. I have also told her repeatedly how much it means to me when she cooks for me especially when I'm not feeling well. I also remind her quite often that I do not expect her to cook, If she wants to great ,if she doesn't great. Also when we first moved in together she offered to clean the house to contribute to the household. At the time she moved in, I had a cleaning lady that came once a week. Dear told me that I didn't need her any longer because she would be happy to take care of the cleaning. Again, I in no way ever ever demanded or expected her to clean the house. I have however told her that I really appreciate that she does clean the house and I do my very best to tell her each week that she did really good job and I appreciate it. What I think is so odd about her bringing up cleaning the house and cooking is she did that from day one ? Now when she does it, is that supposed to be different? She did it in the beginning? Then she cheated and lied and continues to clean the house and I'm supposed to feel different about that? 

Dear's Response - 3a. I am not asking you to feel different about me cooking and cleaning the house. Yes, I did cook and clean in the beginning. The things that have changed now and you are more critical about how I clean the house and how often I cook. You repeatedly say that I don’t always have to cook for you and when I don’t you get upset because my cooking is not consistent despite the fact that you have said that I don’t always have to cook for you. Johnny saying that he tries his very best to tell me that I do a really good job just isn’t true. A lot of the time, he gets onto to me if I forget to put even just one thing up or if I didn’t clean to his standards he says I did a halfway job. At one point, cleaning the house became a requirement because that was how I was going to contribute to the household. 

4. She's not the same person she was when she first met me. ­ What Dear said

What I think she meant ­- When she first met me she was used to lying to everyone about everything including lying to herself. She was also used to doing this without any consequences. She has told me that she has been this way for as long as she can remember. Now that she's accountable and there are consequences she truly doesn't know who she is. Therefore she doesn't feel like the same person she was when we first met.

My response ­- I would certainly hope that she's not the same person she was when we first met. If she was the same person now as the person I met we would not be together. The only reason I am willing to endure all of this crap with her it is because she has admitted that she has a problem and she is said she is willing to get help for the problem. I have dated someone before that had a lying problem and a lack of empathy problem. The difference was that person wouldn't admit that she had a problem and she also would not agree to get help. When I confronted Dear in June 2014, if she would've told me she didn't have a problem and she would not agree to get help we would not be having this conversation right now. In fact what I really think is a huge problem in itself. When I confronted her with all of her lies she was open to getting help and she was much more willing to admit that she had a problem. Now she really struggles with even admitting that she has a problem and really struggles with getting help for it, I don't think she really thinks she has that big of a problem anymore. We actually got along a lot better a few months ago when she was more open about her issues. 

Dear's Reponse - 4a. What I meant when I said that I don’t feel like the same person is that I am more stressed out and more isolated. Yes, I have told Johnny that I have a history of lying. However, I never said that I lied to everyone nor did lie day in and day out. Johnny thinks that I have not had consequences yet I have had consequences in the past. Maybe not big consequences like Johnny expects but they were consequences none the less. Me feeling different has nothing to with the consequences that have occurred or me being accountable. I also do not believe that I have an empathy problem. There have been a few moments that I have felt that way. Yet, the more I think about that the more I think it is because Johnny persists on me having that problem and he says it to me. I know that there are some issues that I need to work through and I am willing to get help. The reason that I have not gotten any help is because Johnny doesn’t believe that I will be honest with whomever I decide to get help with. So Johnny had made the decision for me that I am not going to counseling. I think Johnny feels more comfortable thinking that I have these massive psychological issues. I am not saying that I don’t have any psychological issues, I just would rather see a professional to really figure out what issues I may have. That is why I am reluctant to say I have this or that.