Day 4 - Dear Gone

Some more depressing updates. Dear has been gone four days. I guess it went about as good as breakups can go. Breakups are never good but this one did not have any yelling or screaming or anything like that. We both cried, told each other what we wanted to tell each other and just like that she was out of my life, just as fast as she came into it. I think she would agree with me when I say if someone asked me what happened between you two and I replied, there were a lot of lies that were told and there was some infidelity in the relationship and we just couldn't work past those things, she would say that is fair. As a lot of you know we had been struggling for quite sometime. I confronted her about the lies that I knew about and infidelities on June 6, 2014. Literally things have not been the same since that day. 

Johnny & Dear at SouthFork

You know I told her one time that if I were to write out on a piece of paper what I wanted in a girlfriend as far as physically, emotionally, spiritually, and all the rest of it, it would've equaled up to her. When I said that it was true and now what seems so hurtful is I feel like I really don't even know who she is? For the first year or so I was the happiest guy in the world. I remember thinking, wow I finally met her.

People who read this blog might think that I've had a lot of relationships. But I don't really think I have. In my opinion I've only had two really serious relationships like this one with dear. The other one I am speaking about is the one I had with littleone. What's very interesting at least to me is how many similarities there are. I was with littleone for about 2 1/2 or three years, I was with dear for about 2 1/2 or three years. In both instances the girl told a lot of lies and there was infidelity upon their part. I think the one big difference is littleone pretty much told me from the beginning that she didn't think she had a problem and she wasn't willing to work on it. That's the exact opposite I got with dear. She immediately admitted that she had a problem and was fully willing to work on it so she said. I still don't know to this day if she really had good intentions when she said that and just wasn't able to carry them through or if that was a lie as well?

I know in the past when I've written about relationships I have received some comments on my blog about them being a learning experience. In the past I have totally disagree with this. Currently I can only say that I have learned one thing from this situation with dear. I will never ever live with a girlfriend again. It's simply to hard on me if it doesn't work out. I have always had an issue of tying places and people and events together. Now everywhere I go in my own house I think about her and there are memories of her everywhere. I've never experienced this before and it's much harder than I ever dreamed it would be. Another thing along those lines that I totally don't understand is this. How do you do all the things that we did together for three years and then just decide to leave? I've always thought that people should earn their way out of relationships. It's way to easy just to call it quits. Maybe in her view she had earned her way out I don't know. I do know this. I did not lie to her she lied to me. I was faithful in our relationship 100% of the time in every way. She was not faithful to me 100% of the time in every way. Therefore my expectations and needs were for her to make that up to me. This is sort of embarrassing to even write and I have decided to live publicly so I have nothing to lose. This is the fourth time she's left me. Not one of the three times before did she ever ask to come back. Not even one time. In fact the last time that she left she sent me an email asking me to leave the remainder of her items on my front porch so she could come and retrieve them. I did just the opposite. I drove over five hours to where she was living with her parents and asked her to come back to me and give us another chance. There were strings attached and I made that very clear. I said that I needed her to give me 100%. She said she would give me 100%, she said she would do anything to make this up to me, Finally she said even if it took the rest of her life she was willing to do that to make things right between us. That was last September. Anyone who has been reading this blog or listening to our podcast has known that things have not been good for quite sometime. A few weeks ago I reminded her of that conversation we had last September and I asked her if she truly felt like she had been giving it 100%. She said no, honestly she said she felt like she had only been giving it about 10%. I appreciated the honesty but that literally broke my heart all over again. All I could think about was why wasn't I good enough to give 100% to? Why spend all this time with me? We had gone through Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's Day, my birthday and they were all measurable holidays. We did not create any wonderful memories, we created horrific memories. Why wasn't I good enough? What could I have done differently? Did I give 100%? Why am I not good enough? Why??

PART 2 SOON.....