Sometimes I just wonder?

I am laying in my bed with Mattie and Pacey and it is almost 4 AM in the morning. I am nowhere near getting any sleep. All I can think about is dear? Did she love me? What could I have done different? Just tons of little things running through my head. I think a lot about that letter where she wrote me and said that she knew there was something special between us. We talked about that a lot. I believe that as well. I really did believe there was something really special between us. I always felt like we just had something together that no one else had. I guess even if that was true it was one-sided. All she can focus on is working and going to school. Whatever happened to going the unconventional route? Whatever happened to not letting the love of her life get away? I guess I just wasn't special enough, which makes me sad.

This has been harder on me than I ever would've believed it would've been.  I just want it be over. I just want everything ......