Here we are at day two. This may seem obvious to a lot of people but it wasn't obvious to me. After doing a lot of thinking and journaling about it, I came up with one reason I think is the number one reason why this is so hard on me. The last real serious relationship I had was over 10 years ago with LittleOne. What I call a real serious relationship is someone that I would've even considered getting married to. I'm just saying I would've considered it.
LittleOne and I were together about 2 1/2 or three years and I really felt comfortable with her and I really felt like I could talk to her about anything. But here's the biggest thing of all. I feel like she got me. I feel like she knew all of the good and bad things about me and still loved me. I feel like in a lot of ways LittleOne knew more about me than I even did. She just learned how I ticked and what made me happy and what it took to make me feel loved. Little did I know that was just an act. It was just useful information to know how to manipulate me.
I have had several relationships after LittleOne but none of them were for any significant amount of time and I never felt safe or truly loved by any of them. Then came Dear. I remember telling Dear that she lit all of the circuits in my heart that I thought were broken forever and lit up some more circuits that I didn't even know that I had. By the time I met Dear I knew a lot more about myself. When things became serious with Dear I told her a lot of the things that I had learned about myself that I didn't even know before. I told her that I was controlling and possessive and those were things that I did not think I could change. I also told her those were things I didn't even think I wanted to change. I told her that's just the way that I show love. I felt confident that she would see those qualities as a negative but I was very happily surprised.
This was about the time that the 50 Shades of Grey book was very popular. She told me she had read it and playing the role of a submissive to a very dominant male really appealed to her. So much so that she wanted to have a contract like they did in the book. We in fact did our own contract for one 90 day term. During those 90 days I would ask her how she felt about it and she would do the same. We both agreed that we loved being in the contract. It clearly defined what she wanted and expected out of me and did the same for me. I have to say that in those first 90 days I opened up and felt so safe with her. I felt safer than I ever did with LittleOne which I didn't think was even possible. The main difference, so I thought, was Dear really did care. She really did love me for me. She really did want to get to know me. I thought she was legit. I really thought she was the real deal. I remember thinking that she was a little young but to me that was an advantage. Simply because I thought she wasn't old enough to have any ill will against me. I thought she wasn't old enough to have any pre-conceived notions about men. I thought she was still young enough that she didn't have any evil inside of her. I felt like whatever you saw was what you got. Boy was I wrong. She did the same thing that LittleOne did to me just on a whole new level. She let me open up to her and share with her all of my strengths and weaknesses. She made me feel so safe and so loved. I will write more on this later.
The main thing I wanted to say about day two is I just never ever felt Dear would do this to me. I really didn't. Even when things were going downhill I never thought that she would turn on me and flat out use everything that she had learned about me to hurt me. She knows all of my buttons. She even told me this. She knows exactly what makes me happy and she knows exactly what hurts me. I just never ever dreamed that she would do the things that would hurt me so deeply on purpose. I remember telling her that one of the worst things about my parents being alcoholics was that when they were drunk I felt like I could not access them. And literally I couldn't. Their brains were hijacked with alcohol. I confided in Dear that that's one of the things that hurt me so deeply with LittleOne. I felt like I could not access LittleOne. And that's exactly how I feel now with Dear. It's like there's only one person on the planet that knows me as well as she does. I want nothing more than to be able to talk to her. Talk to my Dear. When she came back this last time she said she came back because I was her reality check. Now it's like I cannot be that reality check for her. I cannot access her.
That hurts me more than anything else but on top of that it shows me that I cannot trust her. I cannot put myself in a situation again to where I have access to her. That's what I believe I hate the most. Day two has not been a good day.