Today has been one of my better days. I've been up and about and getting something done. I have to keep focusing on what is and was true about Dear instead of what I want to be true about Dear. For example, three days ago when she was here she was strangely protective of her phone. Our couples counselor had just told us the week before, in order to build trust we would both have to be an open book. I would need to let her know what all of my passwords are and she would need to do the same. I said that was fine with me. I have a very simple rule that I follow. I don't do anything that I wouldn't do if Dear was standing right next to me. In other words, I wouldn't text anything to anybody that I would not want Dear to read. I asked her if I could see her phone. She said no. I knew instantly something was up. I directly asked her if she had been talking or texting to someone she didn't want me to know about. I asked her to just tell me the truth,please. She kept saying that she hasn't been talking or texting anyone that I would care about. I then said why not prove it and let me see your phone? She said because she didn't want to. Keep in mind she's never done this to me in three years.
Could someone please tell her that if she's going to continue to lie she's got to get better at it. Especially with me. People don't come to me with their tech questions for no reason. People come to me with their tech questions because I'm pretty good at technology. With ways that I cannot reveal, she was texting someone that I did not like. In fact, she's been texting him all week. She's been texting him first thing in the morning, "Good morning." Then things like "what are you up to" in the middle of the day. Yes, I guess those could be innocent text but what about the one that says, "you make me all gooey inside?"
I have to stop going down that rabbit hole! That's how I've gotten through day three. I just have to deal with the facts. The facts are she does not love me nor does she want to be with me. This is what her text message said yesterday to me verbatim, "You can count on me when it's really serious. Please also do remember I am hurting really bad and need time and space." Dear just came to my house a month ago after four months of time and space and said she wanted to marry me! And also asked if she could stay with me because I am her reality check? Does she all of a sudden need more time and space because this new guy is showing her some attention? What's this business of you can count on me when it's really serious? And I'm supposed to remember that she's hurting really bad and needs time and space? What was the four months for? She said she was with at least three random guys during those four months. And she still needs more?
It really hurts my feelings when she said, "you can count on me when it's really serious." If I can't count on her for the little things why would I think that I could count on her for the really big serious things? That's what I've been trying to tell her forever. You build trust with little things. After finding out about her talking to this other guy on her phone and after her swearing to me that she was not talking to another guy, do you really think I feel like I can count on her for something if it's really serious? I remember asking her what if I would've needed her for something really serious but she was having unprotected sex with one of these random guys? She really didn't have an answer for me on that.
If Dear reads this I would love for her to leave a comment if she doesn't agree with what I'm about to say. For the past three years she could count on me when it was really serious and she could count on me even if it was something really silly. I'm the one that went and got her a year ago this month to keep her from doing something that she would really regret. It worked didn't it? It worked until she decided to leave in April and then how long did it take for her to do something that she really regretted? Let's have her answer that question.
* As a side note, I just checked my email and she sent me this message yesterday.
"I am ok. Are you ok? You are able to count on me if it's something very very serious."
It is so mind-boggling and hurtful to know that this came from a girl that a month ago wanted to marry me. I have never cheated on her in any way yet she has cheated on me in every possible way. Johnny, catch the hint, she is done with you.
I really want more than anything for Dear to just show up and tell me what's been happening is ridiculous and that she loves me and that I love her and all of this other crap is over with.