Good Stuff

I have not written in quite sometime, I hope this will be a good writing session. Both for me and the readers. I've got a couple of things I'd like to touch on, To make sure I don't forget I'll do a little outline.

A. Dear update

B. Be happy in the present

C. Editor

D. Whatever else I think about

A. Dear update

Let's start with the simplest which is the Dear update. I have not seen her or talked to her since November 17th. Wait, I just thought of something. Is Dear the first girlfriend that I've ever broken up with? I usually don't do the breaking up. Actually, I never do the breaking up. When I say I'm going to do something I do it. I don't think I broke up with her, I think she broke up with me. On November 17 I took her to work, we both said we would see each other later and we just never saw each other later. Anyway that part doesn't matter.  I've decided what does matter and what matters is keeping her out of my life going forward. I've had all the closure I need. There is no reason I have to ever communicate with her again. And I have decided that's what's best and the most healthy thing I could do for myself. 

B. Be happy in the present

I know we have all heard this 1000 times. Be happy with what you have. Or be happy in the present. Because today is the present which means it's the gift and some gibberish like that. That's all fine and dandy but somebody's got to tell me how to actually do that. I think I may have figured part of it out for myself. The other night one of my friends texted me and asked me how I was doing.  I texted back and said I was doing okay but I was a little lonely, she then texted back and said, ”I'm sorry, sometimes I could stand to be a little less surrounded!!” It seems like we always want what we can't have. I remember before Dear there were times I would say I was lonely and then I remembered during those three years with Dear thinking how could I just get back to being alone? Now I'm telling one of my friends I'm lonely again? I have been alone in my life far more often than I've been with people. I've never really had a problem being alone. Until the last few years it has really bothered me more then ever before.  Why is that I ask? I think it's because before I wasn't quite sure where I was going or who I was going with, I just knew I was going and I knew I would find someone to go with along the way. Now I feel like I'm not going anywhere but that's my choice therefore I will not meet anyone along the way. And one more time I want to recognize this is by my choice. Why do you ask? I've just simply added up all the time I've been in relationships and all the time I've spent getting over those relationships and all of the time spent alone and ask myself when was I the happiest. I was the happiest when I was in what I thought was a strong committed relationship but the length of time that I was in those delusions was actually relatively short. And all of the breaking up and healing myself afterwords is horrible.

Dr. Phil had two identical twin sisters on his show the other day. They were both addicted to heroin. They both wanted to stop though they were terrified of the withdrawals and how sick they said they got when they tried to quit. Whenever I have heard people describe getting sober either from alcohol or drugs that's exactly how I feel when I'm facing a breakup. I am terrified because I know the pain that will come along with it, And at that moment it just doesn't seem doable or worth it. I have often referred to some of my more serious relationships as a drug for me. So now that I have all of the sober days, is what I call them, which means I've had no contact with the drug, in this case would be Dear, the urge to answer her text or let her in my house is less and less each day because I don't want to lose my sobriety. Does that make sense? 

Back to the original topic which has led me to this decision of I just don't really want to go anywhere with anyone. The risk reward ratio is just too high for me right now. I've been learning and growing and figuring out how to be happy and content though where I am and who I'm with which is myself.

C. Editor

Maybe some of the longtime readers of this blog will remember this. Back in the good old days I did not have an editor or an attorney to look over the posts before they went out. They just went the way they were and I can tell you they weren't pretty sometimes. One day I put it out on the blog that if anyone had a little extra time and wouldn't mind editing my blog post that would be awesome. I actually got a response from two and not only did they edit my blog they went all the way back to the beginning and fixed it. Thank you to those volunteers in the good old days. Today I have a professional editor that takes care of the writing portion, I just need some help with the editing of the audio portion. If anyone has a little extra time and wouldn't mind helping with the audio portion (the podcast) that would be awesome. Just send me a little note. You can do it from wherever you are in the world you don't have to be here.

D. Whatever else I think about

That's about it I believe. If you know of someone that you think may have borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder and you would like to talk, I would be your guy. In the course of being with Dear I read more books and went to more counselors and learned more about those disorders then I ever thought I really wanted to know. On a serious note, if you yourself are battling with one of those or someone in your life is and you would like to talk about it, I would love to do a podcast on it. I think sometimes so much of the focus goes on the person with the disorder and the loved ones are left behind.